Moon Song

"Full Moon" by Michael Roppert

I Pause…

Marvelling at the perfection of the new moon, its mother of pearl lustre in a cloudless starry sky.

Like a beacon calling out in the inky dusk demanding faith, hope and love.

It’s call is irresistable.

To ignore it would be folly.  To rebuff it would be hurtful.  But to trust would be like coming home.

Embraced in its gentle light, soothing a tortured soul.  Challenging one to remain present yet move with it all in the same moment.

In essence, it is beauty.

Pure, healing and wise.  It is always whole, even when you cannot see the whole.

When it is shaded and hidden, it remains perfect – waiting for our view of it to catchup to its entirety and allow ourselves to bask in its perfection for another moment of eternity.

Words of Wisdom: 10 Quotes that Inspire Me

"Life is like a wild tiger. You can either lay down and let it put it's paw on you - or you can climb on its back and ride like the wind".

"Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art." ~ Leonardo Da Vinci

“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” ~ Jesse Jackson

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." ~ Helen Keller

“Joy is not in things; it is in us” ~ Richard Wagner

"May you live all the days of your life" ~ Jonathan Swift

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop". ~ Confucius

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all." ~ Emily Dickinson

"Don't listen to what they say. Go see." ~ Chinese Proverb

"Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted". ~ Albert Einstein

The Freedom of Surrender

I had an experience recently where I came to understand a few things about the gift of surrender.

It is the judgement of a situation that causes pain, not the situation itself (photo by Idea Go)

Very recently I came face to face with a situation in my life that I judged as bad; the circumstances of this situation were causing me to feel fearful and extremely uncomfortable. Not only was I judging the situation, but my role in creating and maintaining that situation. And I judged it as a failing of my strength, my worth, my instinct. I looked back at similar situations in the past and saw the same judgement – all I was saying to myself was FAILURE!!! I sat in a precarious position – caught between what my mind was telling me about its judgement of this situation (and myself) and my gut feeling – what my soul was telling me. I was second guessing myself left, right and centre.

I went for a walk…a long long walk. A walk that caused blisters on the soles of my feet. I started my walk with the sun at my back – comfortable and warming and easy. Then I turned around and I walked into the sun, low, glaring and uncomfortable and – as the sun set – growing colder and more difficult to see. Suddenly I saw the stark contrast between what we judge as good and what we judge as bad. The sun was just doing what the sun always does – rises and sets in the sky, warms the planet, provides light and contrast with the night – it was just my perception that made it good or bad.

I came to understand that the same could be said about my judgement of myself. For every failure I could name, there was choice about whether I looked upon it as ‘bad’ or reframed my vision and chose to see the gifts in those situations. Failed relationships became successfully escaping self-destruction. Poor career decisions became opportunities to open new doors. The perfect duality of our existence beautifully opened up to me.

And that’s when it hit me. I was content and happy to surrender to the moments I judged as ‘good’, but I actively moved away from surrendering to the moments I judged to be ‘bad’. What if I were to remove the judgements altogether and just surrender to the moment? What would that be like? So, I tried it. I surrendered completely to a moment that I had been avoiding because of the judgements I placed on it. And do you know what i found?

I found freedom. I found empowerment. I found peace. I discovered that the fear, doubt and pain in that moment was only in the judgement of it – not in the moment itself.

So I challenge you. When you feel the pain, feel the fear, when things become incredibly uncomfortable…surrender to that moment. Allow the moment to do with you as it will – it is going to anyway. Let go of the self-doubt, the judgement and choose surrender.

As they say – feel the fear and do it anyway.

This post is also available on Life Coach Associates blog.  Click HERE to find out more.

Resilience: The Spiral Staircase

Sometimes Resilience depends on your perspective

A lot of people have been asking me about Resilience lately.  They seem to understand the difference that I put forward in my last post between bouncing back compared to springing forward.  They also understand that, given a choice, most of us would rather be travelling along the spiral staircase of life making choices rather than feeling like the stuck rat on the wheel. But the question I keep getting asked is ‘how to I become more resilient’?  I want to share with you some of the key attributes I feel are important on the pathway to understanding what it is to be resilient.

Awareness:  Awareness is to look closely at who we think we are, honestly and without attachment. It begins in the mind, but true awakening can only happen in our hearts.  Awareness includes the light and also the shadow; that part of ourselves that we don’t want other people to see – the bits that we are most afraid and ashamed of.

Perspective: As we become more aware of who we truly are, we look at our past, present and future differently; everything that has gone before has led to this point in our lives.  We also understand that we have choice and this can change our perspectives dramatically. We realise that, although we can’t control other people or many of the circumstances we find ourselves in, we do have choice over how we respond.

Letting Go:  Resilient people have a deeply held understanding that to move forward they need to let go of what came before.  This is not the same as rejecting the past; rather it is seeing the gifts it offers for our future knowing the future is not defined by the past unless we choose.

Gratitude: Gratitude is the act of accepting and offering thanks for what you have.  When we are grateful we are saying that we accept what we have right now.  And in doing this our sense of ‘good and bad’ changes because everything is perfect in this moment.  It is the simple things that we tend to overlook and take for granted, and which then have the most meaning.

Humour: As you laugh, when you get into that deep belly wobbling place, you are totally present with now.  You certainly can’t be worrying about tomorrow or feeling guilty for yesterday. Resilient people do not wallow in life’s dramas.  That is not to say they are unaffected, however.  But their perspective allows them the grace to laugh at themselves and see a different side of their situation.

Connection:  The connection that we feel with someone or something or some place is vital. If it is not possible to connect with another person we are very resourceful in finding something else to connect to – animals, places, energy, spirit.  Regardless of what it is you find to connect to, connection is part of who we are.

Forgiveness:  Forgiveness begins with self.  Forgiveness is about not playing the blame game and choosing not to be a victim – it’s not about simply kissing and making up.  Resilient people know that they must be open to hurt in order to be free of the past.  Forgiveness therefore is not a decision that you make.  Instead it is an attribute of our true selves, and it begins with having the grace to forgive ourselves.

Acceptance:  One of the most telling observations that I have made with regard to resilience and people is this:  many people gain awareness, but awareness alone does not make one resilient.  There is also a need for acceptance.  Until you reconcile a deep self-awareness and choose to see the gifts in life, you will remain a victim to whatever you feel life has thrown at you.

Agility:  Agility is being adaptable to changed circumstances as they arise.  I see agility a bit like a boat at sea.  In a storm if the boat is anchored it can quickly become swamped because it cannot easily move upon the waves.  But if the boat is free to float, it can better weather the storms that it encounters and it there is choice in where the sail is set to.

Creativity: Creative solutions can come to us in a flash, but typically they are born outside of the thinking mind.  Many great artists, scientists, inventors have awoken from their sleep with novel answers to problems they had given up on previously.  It is in the space between our thoughts and our spirit where creativity lies.

Intention:  At the centre sits intention as the truth of who we really are, where all of the roles we play fall away and where we let go of our attachments.  For most people intention is that little spot inside us that we know is there but we have no words to describe. Intention offers us all we need to be happy in the world.  Our intention is something that has always been there and which drives us even when we do not realise we are being driven.

Resilience is a multi faceted thing and it is not the same for every one of us.  But these attributes are universal.  Although many people believe that resilience only comes about in times of stress and adversity, I believe that it is inherent in all of us.  And we can build resilience into our every day lives.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart”              

Helen Keller

Resilience: Bouncing back or springing forward?

Resilience is about springing forward

It’s the catch word of the year isn’t it?  Resilience.  We here it mentioned everywhere at the moment, in most sentences related to the Christchurch Earthquake, the New Zealand economy, the Kiwi spirit.  We bandy around this word so much, but I find myself wondering what people really mean when they use it?

Most often I hear people say ‘no matter what, we can bounce back from this’.  Maybe its semantics, but I always find myself wondering what exactly is it they want to bounce back to?  I think that the Christchurch Earthquake offers a really good opportunity to look at what resilience really is…and more importantly how we make sure we foster resilience in ourselves, our communities and our nation for the future.

You see, that’s where I think the difference of opinion is.

Resilience for me is not at all about bouncing back.  It’s more about springing forward.  Life doesn’t happen in reverse.  Ok, sure, we all have 20:20 vision in hindsight, but it is rare that this hindsight is appropriately applied to our present, let alone future, situations.  And I think that is because we continually look to anchor ourselves to things that we know –things from our past.

But what happens when all those anchors are gone?  What do we bounce back to then?  Well, I propose that we should instead look forward and seek to spring ahead and embrace our ‘new normal’ rather than try with all our might to return to our past.  Why?  Well, in that past are all the conditions that made us so vulnerable to the event we faced in the first place.  And do any of us really want to experience those awful times again?   I doubt it!  Clinging to the old anchors, trying to recreate our past normal doesn’t allow us to take our experiences and grow because of them.

Let me give you an example.  Take a small business that has been through the Canterbury earthquakes since September 2010.  Ok, so the first quake hits in September and this little business finds that they don’t have all their information backed up from their computer.  They have critical information about their clients and customers on that computer.  The power is out for a couple of days, the owner and their staff hunker down at home for a week or so just recovering their wits – thankful that no-one was killed and that their business is still standing!  After 2 weeks, despite some downtime, some staff who don’t want to return and an argument with the insurance company, the business is back up and running.  Yeah, sure…they mean to get the information backed up and switch insurance companies (who ever heard of business interruption insurance anyway?).  But like the rest of the city, they are happy to be in a position to bounce back so quickly.  After a couple of months, well it’s like nothing really happened.

Learn from your experiences

Move forward 5 months.  This same little business, located in the heart of the Christchurch CBD, is again hit by a massively intense earthquake.  This time it’s different.  This time not only do the plate-glass windows shatter badly cutting one of the staff, the veranda collapses and the ceiling completely falls in.  All of the staff escape with their lives and flee both the business and the city.  What they don’t know at the time is that they won’t get back into their offices – ever.  Did they do the backup of the computer?  No.  Did they get that business interruption insurance sorted out?  No.  Are all the staff able to live in their homes?  What about their key clients and customers?  No.  In a word, everything has changed.  But really, everything changed after the first earthquake.  All the conditions that made the second event a disaster were also present in the first quake – and the business chose to return to normal and ignore the lessons on offer.

For a business like this one, the imperative to return to normal as soon as possible after the first quake was most likely a key factor in its demise after the second event.  They sure did bounce back…but bouncing back to what they always knew, what they always did, was no preparation for other disasters waiting around the corner.

I hear you say ‘how could they have known that there was going to be another earthquake’?  Fair comment…but I ask the question, ‘what if they had thought about springing forward after the September quake rather than bouncing back”?  Would that have made a difference to how they operated in the 5 months between September and February?  Would this different way of thinking and operating (a different kind of resilience) allow them to continue on in some way after the February disaster?  I think so.

I believe that resilience, certainly from an organisational perspective, is made up of many factors.  Three of the key factors are:

• Awareness – knowing your environment and being able to keep a constant finger on the pulse
• Understanding – recognising the inherent strengths and vulnerabilities that impact on your situation, whether they be your own or others.
• Agility – the skill of being flexible; in thinking, operating, communicating and leading.  It’s about being in a position to roll with the punches wherever possible.

Each of these things can exist without the others, but it leaves big gaps where the dust gets in.  Agility is all well and good, but without awareness it does just become change for change’s sake.  Awareness without the understanding of the impacts is just as limiting.  It is important, personally and professionally, to foster each and all of these factors together, and approach resilience with a forward-looking perspective.

None of us can know what tomorrow will bring.  But equally none of us should live in fear of tomorrow – what sort of life would that be?  But I believe that we can also look to foster a new kind of resilience in the light of the Christchurch Earthquake…a resilience that acknowledges and honours the past, but is happy to leave it there.  A kind of resilience that embraces the present, looks at it objectively, and with a vision for the future.  And a resilience that is forward-looking, seeking new anchors and allowing ourselves to go ahead rather than clinging to the past.  Then I believe we view our experiences as a gift, and free ourselves up to use this gift for betterment of ourselves and others.

But then again…perhaps it is just semantics?

The Spiral Staircase: We are Resilient…but…..

There is a lot of talk about resilience at the moment.  In the aftermath of the Christchurch disaster – and as we face what is happening to the people of Japan – we are constantly told how ‘resilient’ we are.

Remember, Resilience is also about asking for help! Photo by Simon Howden www.freedigitalphotos.net

Yep, this is true but there is something about resilience that I want to share with you.  Its important to know what it means to be resilient and how this can play out in your own life – and also in your children.

I am learning through personal experience, and the experience of those around me that resilience does not mean unaffected.

Let me say that again…

** To be resilient does NOT mean you are unaffected **

Resilience is about being able to cope with what is thrown at you, having the flexibility to make hard decisions, being vulnerable and being able to express that vulnerability safely.  Sometimes this means that we have melt downs, we get afraid, we find tomorrow hard to face and we simply don’t know what to do next.  Yes, this is ALL part of being resilient and building greater resilience in ourselves.

What can you do to help yourself to build your resilience?

• Becoming aware of, and acknowledging, your dark times is a huge part of building resilience.  We are all trying to be strong, to have a sense that we are in control and show the world our brave face.  But try not to judge yourself if you cant keep that up….remember that it is normal!!!
• Reach out to someone if you need to share these feelings.  There is a tendancy within our society to try to be independent and not ask for help.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness – it is the strength that you are looking for.  Help can come in so many forms – what works for your friends may not work for you…
• Use the help that is on offer.  Just as we often see asking for help as a sign of weakness, accepting help on offer can also be difficult.  There are many many people out there who are there for you.
• Take each day as it comes.  When we are under considerable stress it can be overwealming to try to plan ahead too far.  Time often becomes a very fluid thing and we loose all track of the days and the hours.  Take baby steps and don’t judge yourself if making a weekly or monthly plan seems too hard.
• Try to look at what you have and be grateful for it.  Often it is easy to concentrate on what we don’t have and get upset wishing things were different.  Placing your awareness on things you are grateful for will increase your overall sense of happines and in turn will help you to cope better.
• Don’t always hide your feelings from those you love.  Yes, we all put on a brave face when we have to and often this is exactly what is needed.  But if you are dealing with children sometimes it can be very valuable for them to see your vulnerability and how you deal with it.  This becomes their reference point for their own feelings.  Sometimes having a damn good old cry and then getting over it is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself AND your family.
• Encourage your children to express themselves too.  Remember, they need to find a context to work in as well.  And they need to do this according to how they are feeling, not always how you are feeling.  Listen to them (and really hear what they tell you), give them a safe place to express themselves, and then gently guide them towards a place where they can use their feelings constructively.
• Find a reason to laugh.  No matter how bad things get, finding a way to have a good old giggle will help.  My son constantly reads a joke book out to me…and we make up jokes.  We talk about the earth farting, and we play games like hacky sack and we are teaching each other to juggle…physical activity and laughter go hand in hand.  Find a way that works for you!

I hope that these little pointers help.  We all have the capacity to be very resilient…especially if we look after ourselves, be true to ourselves and cut ourselves a little bit of slack.

If you know anyone (children included) who need a bit of help then I am working with a group of very talented coaches throughout New Zealand.  We are offering free initial trauma support for anyone impacted by the Christchurch Earthquakes…reach out if you need to.  Contact me for more information.

A New Kind of Normal: The Fluidity of Time

If there is one thing that I am really grappling with right now, its the concept of time.  Time since the quake has had a remarkable fluid nature – it probably did before then, but I just didn’t notice it.  Time has become one of those anchors that I used to use to mark where I was in the world.  Now?  Well, lets just say that I view time very differently now.

There are often amazing opportunities to be had when you allow the fluidity of time. Photographer: Paul www.freedigitalphotost.net

In the first few days after the quake, and certainly the day of the quake, time sort of stood still.  It passed, but by the Gods did it pass slowly.  Perhaps it had something to do with the total absence of normal routine in the day, but I think that it was something more than that.  It was as if the quake not only ripped apart lives, earth, buildings and roads; it also ripped the fabric of the universe itself.  Oh, right – now that I put it down in words, it seems a bit dramatic.  But thats what it was like.

We are so used to time progressing in a line from the past, through the present towards the future.  Suddenly, it was as if time didn’t exist on that plane any more.  It kind of felt like time moved to its own rhythm.  Like the stairs in our buildings, like the groaning in the depths of the earth – time was its own master again.  Yeah, thats it.  Time regained control – we had more important things to do that keep time.

And there is a tragic paradox in that too.  As I was racing to get home, to get to my son on that dreadful day, time became of paramount importance…it was slipping through my fingers and I was desperate to cling onto it – wanting to just slow things down a tiny bit so that I could catch my breath.  And as we listened to the radio in the candle light that evening, waiting for news that people were still alive in the collapsed buildings, crushed cars, destroyed wall, we wanted time to be kind to us – to give us a break, to pause and allow us those vital seconds we needed to find someone.

Thats the thing.  Time is just an illusion.  It stretches or condenses according to our perception of it.  Thats what I find myself sitting with at the moment.  The awareness that time is far from the anchor I thought it once was.  This week I am going to a meeting where we are goal setting; putting in place some guidelines for how we in our business roles will continue to move forward.  To me, this is almost pointless – although I know that its vitally important and I was the one who requested that we do the exercise!  Its not pointless because setting goals has no value – quite the opposite actually.  Its pointless to me personally because I no longer have a clear perception of how long time is.  What is short term?  For me right now short term can be a little as this hour, or this day (and believe me, getting short term things done is a real struggle for me right now).  Previously I looked at short term to be say 3-6 months!

The reason I can’t fathom looking outwards that far is because I have no clear perception of what tomorrow will be like, let alone in a few months time.  I really don’t!  I have spoken to a lot of people over the past few weeks and the one thing that keeps coming up…time.  Everyone I have spoken to who has been directly affected by this quake (and quite a lot of those indirectly affected too) feel like time has stood still.  And that we are waiting – waiting for something that may be just  around the corner (what does that mean?) and yet we don’t know what it is.  The people of this city are in limbo.  Limbo…what an interesting word.  Limbo.  It sort of sounds like it should be accompanied by kettle drums and a funky beat.  But its not a place any of us are enjoying being. Together with the exhaused mental space we find ourselves in, and very very frayed nerves due to the constant aftershocks (yes, we are still getting big ones almost daily), its just as well that time is fluid!

There are opportunities here in Limbo tho.  Surprising opportunities.  With time being such a fluid entity, many of us are taking the opportunity to reassess things – reassess ourselves and the things that we value.  The other day, in the depths of my poor old mind trying to be its pre-quake super organised self, together with the total fragmentation of what my day turned out to be, I sat quietly in the evening and asked myself one question.  “If I had to write a list of the things that make my heart sing, what would be on that list”?  It was a good question and one that proved amazingly easy to answer.  I guess what was most surprising was not what was ON the list, but what was NOT!  Ha, even as I sit here now I have a quiet little chuckle of puzzlement to myself.  I wrote my list quickly, without thinking too much, without judgement (and without worrying about whether I could make a living out of doing the things that make my heart sing).  Leaving the thinking brain behind and engaging the heart…well, that was profound.

I have chosen to concentrate on the things I can do, and the things that I love to do.  These are the things that always made time so fluid for me before this earthquake.  Oh, how interesting…as I write that down I realise something.  The fluidity of time that I am experiencing right now is not a stranger to me.  I remember as a teenager, back when painting was something I genuinely believed I could make a living out of, I used to paint into the night.  The hours would just fall away.  Time had no meaning and no relevance to me.  It was impossible to feel rushed, to waste time, to feel strung out – because there was NO TIME.  Ha….and thats where I am again.  This time tho the difference is clear.  This time  (excuse the pun) I have an opportunity to choose what I do with the time that I have – no matter how long or short it may appear.  Really, how long IS a moment?  It is only as long as your perception of it.

So here – in this moment of time, where time doesn’t really exist – I choose to allow my heart to sing.  The tune that it sings and the beat that it keeps is unique to me.  I am left with a phrase running through my head…”its my time, my time is now”.  And really, given that I can’t see any further ahead that this current moment right now, this moment is a true gift.  What am I doing with this gift?  I am using it to write and make my heart sing….yeah.

A New Kind of Normal: The Pause

Its been days since I have really felt like writing – felt like I had something worthwhile to say.  But tonight it wants out.  Maybe I need to say something before my chance to do so is gone.

Photo by federico stevanin www.freedigitalphotos.net

I realise that I am sitting in each moment and its as if each moment is, in itself, a pause.  I feel like I am actually part of the earth – no, the universe – breathing.  Its like sitting at the top (or the bottom) of the breath – where that pause is.  The pause that we all learn to take.  The pause that is not natural.  Babies don’t pause.  So what am I pausing for?  Its like the pause is the fear…its the faar that there may not be another breath beyond this one.  The pause is the clinging to the past moment.  But you simply cannot pause too long because life naturally takes over.  Holding your breath until the body and instinct takes over.  So naturally we do not pause.  A baby doesn’t know to fear whether the next breath will come or not.  It simply trusts that this breath is enough and that the next will come – well, perhaps the baby has no perception of the next breath.  Perhaps it lives entirely in this moment and allows life to take it seamlessly and effortlessly to the next moment.  There is no clinging to the last moment, fearful of the next one, or fearful that the next one won’t come.

And thats where I find myself – when I sit quietly and pause.  I realise that my pause is fear.  This earthquake has cause me to fear the next moment in my life.  I know, beyond the knowing that comes from thinking – into the knowing that comes from being, that the next moment could be total terror.  In the next moment could be anything – or nothing.  Right now, every creak of the house, every gust of wind, every time the bloody cats come through the kitty door!  I am aware of the noise…and then there are those moments when I allow myself to think about where I am, where Toby is, how we would get out, what is around me?  I am always looking up, looking at what I can get under to protect myself.  I am wary of trees, walls, roofs, ANYTHING that can fall.  I am constantly checking where the torches are, where my shoes are, where warm blankets are, I don’t leave my son inside alone.  We are told to be prepared.  Is this what being prepared is?  This constant checking?

Its the waiting thats exhausting. We seem to be waiting for something that may never come.  And waiting for some return to normal – but everyone asks the question “what is normal now?”  We no longer have the false comfort of falling back to what we knew – our status quo.  Yes, collectively our society here is in chaos and it hurts.  But the luxury of a quick return to what we knew before has been removed.  We simply cannot go back to where we were.  That option is gone.  And so we must sit here in this chaos.

And yet I still wait.  Pause.  The paradox of being in the moment but afraid of the next one.  These are such crazy times.

Noises at the moment are what get me.  The other day I heard a digger demolishing a building.  The noise of metal against metal and concrete, wood, glass.  It took me staight back to that day – to noises that I had forgotten about.  And I am hyper aware of the weather – especially tonight as I listen to the rain…I think, what if the next quake comes tonight?  What do I do in the rain if the roof comes off or we loose the house this time?  Gods, you could go mad thinking about it!

And if I am aware that all I truly have is this moment, how the hell do I pick what I do with this moment?  I mean, there are so many things that I want to do, places I want to see, people I want to be with…how do you put all of that in an order?  And what I find myself doing is Nothing.  Because I cannot decide what to do, my days waste away.  I have never been like this before.  She who is so organised, so mindful of the security that structure provides.  I have no structure.  The structure that I had carefully created has gone.  Everything is different now.  EVERYTHING.

It’s a weird feeling looking at your life and not recognising it.  My son is my only anchor and he is not an anchor I can cling to.  Last night I tried not to judge my self pity.  I cried myself to sleep knowing that there is no-one to hold me or protect me.  I felt very alone, very vulnerable.  I am strong for my family because I have to be.  There is no-one else.  But what if all that were taken away?  What would I have?  Ha…and there I answer my own questions of self pity (loathing?) about being alone.  Ultimately we are all alone – all we have is our selves.  Ahhh…but it would be nice to hand over the reins of strength to someone else – just for a moment.  To be looked after, to be…no, thats being a rat on a wheel, a downward spiral of self pity that I am not going on…

Maybe this time, this great uncertainty, such lack of security is what is needed to shock me out of my revery.  Maybe it is a gift, and maybe the pause is not fear.  Maybe the pause is the calm before the storm.  The pause allows me to gather my senses before the next mighty phase in my life.  Maybe….

I hear the generator tonight, the one that gives our whole suburb power.  I am thankful for it.  But I also smell the sewer.  Our land has dropped so much that all the waste water is falling back into the wetlands – and we live beside the wetlands.  Sharing that space, now heavily poluted, with those bloody little mozzies.  But we got our chemical toilet today…and I am thankful for it.  And no matter what – tomorrow is a new day.

A New Kind of Normal: Thinking of Japan

Its really hard to write about what’s happened in Japan.  I can never look at another disaster like this again and see it from a sympathetic distance.  I now see it as an empathetic participant – because I KNOW their anguish, their fear and their pain.

Hold their hearts in your hands. Photo by vichie81/www.freedigitalphotos.net

I remember when the Boxing Day Tsunami happened in Indonesia.  Watching those images on TV and wondering about the terror they felt as the quake hit, and then as the water came up and at them.  I wondered what you would do with yourself, what you would do about the people you love, what you would prioritise, where you would go?

Now I know.

Tsunami has always terrified me.  I can get my head around coping with most other disasters (possibly with the exception of pandemic) because I feel that i have an ounce of control over my environment and my choices within that environment.  But tsunami – that is different.  Ever since I was a child I have had dreams, reoccuring dreams, of giant waves, great floods and devistation.  The dream books tell me that these dreams signifiy a loss of control in my life, a loss of security – they occur at times of great stress.  Maybe…but those dreams now are not just dreams.  I see those images that have haunted my dreams for so many years now on the TV screen, printed on the front page of the newspaper – everywhere I look – now I can’t open my eyes to escape from the fear.  There is no waking up from the dream anymore.

When our quake hit on the 22nd February, I remember racing home through the water and the silt flooding the roads.  I remember thinking “what if there is a tsunami”?  And in that moment i found my answer to those questions about what I would do if I faced the thing I fear most…I would go straight into it.  I didn’t know that there hadn’t been a tsunami, and I still raced towards the ocean.  Now, when I see the images of people in their cars, on the roads with those waves approaching…I know what they were trying to do.  They weren’t driving towards the waves with any notion of saving their own lives – they were desperately trying to get to people they loved…regardless of the danger to themselves.

Humans are, by their very essence, social creatures.  We need each other because we are connected to each other in ways that science cannot explaing – but in ways that are totally instinctual to each and every one of us. I know that those people in Japan are in shock right now.  They are afraid and they are numb.  They have lost so much, and they do not have any notion of time – they cannot fathom what tomorrow will be like, or even if it will arrive.  They suffer through the aftershocks not knowing how big each one will be or how long it will last.  Images of what they have experienced are burned into their eyes – and they too cannot escape the nightmare by waking up.

But the beauty of our humanity is that connection – that here we can hold onto the hope that the people of Japan need, but cannot hold for themselves right now.  They hold each other – we hold them by taking them into our hearts and holding that hope.  We, in our own disaster, know the value of holding that hope – because the world held it for us when we couldnt. If that is all I can do today it is enough.  I hold the hope of the Japanese people in my heart – merely a guardian of this until they are ready to take it for themselves…

Teo torriatte – let us cling together.

A New Kind of Normal – 2 weeks on

Today marks 2 weeks since the earthquake.  2 weeks.  Just 2 weeks…how is it possible that its just 2 weeks?

The road to recovery - Frosts Road in Brighton

I am beginning to realise that for the past fortnight most of us have been living in survival mode. The paradox of living day to day, but the frantic sense of simply having to get things done.  For me its been very much like this.  And only now, 2 weeks on am i seriously starting to look out from the immediate aftermath of this.

Its a bit like a ghost town around here now.  Yes, the sense of community is still there, but its different.  I know of 3 families who have left and who are not coming back.  I know personally of several more who want to go…  And yet the supermarket is frantic – people still in survival mode I suppose.  The welfare centre is still busy and they continue to feed and water us with beautiful graicousness.  My friends from across town are now getting in touch…amazing how you can reconnect with long lost friends who are just on the other side of the city…the blessings that something like this offers!

And we did take up one of those offers to visit this past week.  We travelled out across town where the roads were intact, where the fences were largely still up (or at least those that survived the first earthquake), and where I saw people going about their normal sunday business!  It made me smile.  It made me confident that the rest of the city has our back- those of us on the east side who have been badly damaged and badly shaken.  The rest of the city is holding up the walls of our damaged city until we can fix our own homes and come and help them.  What wonderful people!

Man, the smell of sewer is bad outside today.  I guess that most of the city’s sewage is going straight out to the ocean at the moment…and judging by what i saw flooding into the avon river the other day, thats a lot of shit!  The wetlands that we live beside absoutely reek!  We also have a bit of a plague of mozzies too….ick…i don’t want to know where they have come from!  At least summer seems to have come to a close – autumn is definately here…its cold!

Wainoni Road...

Politics are coming in now.  People are moving out of their initial shock and into grief and anger phases.  And the good old media, who now find that the disaster stories and the miracle rescue stories have dried up, are hunting for people with something to say.  I find that those people who tell the media that no-one has come to help them, that they have been forgotten, that no-one cares…well, i find that sad!  They must have such a low self esteem and low image of themselves – to believe that after all that has happened that anyone in this city could think they were not worthy of help….yes, thats just sad.

I am trying to work out a plan forward for my businesses.  With Dreamweavers you would think that it would be easy to get work in the aftermath of this…but i have a bit of a problem charging money and making a profit out of people’s misery.  Yeah, thats a tricky one…and i think it will be a while before I can resolve that one.  But the good thing is that my frantic energy of the last week is going.  I can SEE a future now and I can afford to take a bit of time to realise that future.  It didn’t actually go anywhere – it just got obscured by a cloud of silty dust and rubble.  I fully appreciate the value of taking things 1 day at a time…whether that is in my business or in my personal life.

We are healing.  Our roads are turning from barely passable country roads into pretty good country roads with a few big potholes.  Our people are choosing their pathways – stay or go – eitherway its the right thing.  Our leaders are finding their feet, and finding the controversy that is a luxury only a recovering city can have.  I am pleased to see the political machine moving because it means we are healing!  Almost all of the city has power back on.  Schools are beginning to reopen (even if they are sharing campuses across the city and some children are doing 1-6pm stints).  We are gathering to give thanks on Friday in our beautiful Hagley Park.  Yes, we are healing – its a long slow process, but we are on the pathway now.

Check out this video.  It is of the recovery of the streets around us here…its amazing!  http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150424013620612

Just wish that the bloody aftershocks would stop!!!!!!!!  Mother Earth, stop farting – have some mylanta!!!!